Surviving through to the end of a horror movie is no easy feat. No, we don’t mean watching one and managing to make it through to the end without passing out in a drunken stupor. We mean actually being in one and lasting it out to the end without ending up wearing your guts as a daisy chain or your brains splattered across the lawn.
So, we thought we’d help you out. Here, for your reading pleasure, is a handy guide to surviving through to the end of a horror movie – and, for those of you who like spoilers, it’s probably a pretty accurate guide as to who will live and die in that film you are just about to sit down and watch…….
1….If you’re a beautiful woman then never, ever get laid. Trust me, you can get your kit off to tantalize the viewer and maybe get away with it, but the minute you start fucking then you’ve got big problems. Either the dude you are fucking is a crazed killer, or you’re just storing yourself up a bloody ending at the hands of some maniac or monster. The moment you get laid, you get dead – so tease but don’t get it on. You’ll live longer.
2….Lines like “be right back” or “it’s safe now” must be avoided at all costs. Everybody knows it isn’t safe and you won’t be right back the moment you utter those words. You’re fucked, you’re a dead man from the moment those words are spoken. On the bright side, “it’s safe now” can often not result in personal harm to you if there is somebody else about to stick their head out on your say so and get their brains ripped apart. In this scenario, be prepared to be wiping your buddies blood off of your nice clean T-Shirt though.
3….Don’t wear white. White is an open invitation to butchery just because blood looks better when it soaks into white clothing. Wearing dark gear can increase your life expectancy no end. All black gear isn’t guaranteed to keep you safe, but it helps – and has the bonus that you don’t show up at night time.
4….Whatever you do, make sure that you don’t act like a geeky brainiac. The nerdy, clever male always dies in every horror movie. Name me just 5 movies that Mr “know everything other than how to pull chicks and deal with acne” makes it through alive. You can’t. Nerds die. Fullstop.
5….Don’t trust the military. Every time they turn up, someone innocent dies. They may come racing to the rescue, but even if they don’t kill you deliberately, they’ll screw up and get you killed somehow. Especially the US military – In every horror movie they appear in, the best that can be said for them is that they are incompetent and clueless, and that’s when they’re not out and out bad guys who caused it all in the first place.
6….Depending on a gun for your survival is a terrible plan. You know why? Because for ages it will seem like you never run out of bullets, only for that firing pin to click on an empty chamber or the gun to jam at a crucial moment. It happens every time. One minute you’re blazing lead death at the undead horde, next minute you’re waving a couple pounds of useless metal that isn’t even much use to throw at anyone. Get yerself a fuckin’ good machete instead, you know where you are with a blade.
7….Why run? You’ll run as fast as your legs can carry you when you know full well that the lumbering maniac who walks at a snails pace will somehow catch you up, or that you’ll run from one danger into another. Just save that energy and don’t bother. Once you start running then you are in deep shit anyway. Grab something sharp, or a nice club, and batter away at whatever beasty it is giving you shit. You’ll probably still die, but it saves a stupid chase that’ll just make you tired needlessly.
8….Nude swimming is a no-no. How many movies have you seen where anyone who was stupid enough to go skinny dipping ends up dead? That’s right – every movie someone swims in their birthday suit in, they end up worm food. Keep your damn clothes on, never go near the water. If you have to dive in, do it in your regular clothes. Of course, if you’re a sexy lady, consider the feelings of others and skinny dip anyway – your life is a small price to pay so that the rest of us can perv at your breasts.
9….Camping out under the stars is uncomfortable at the best of times – loads of shit to carry, 1/2 cooked food on a crappy stove, and a tent that invariably leaks, not to mention pesky insects that’ll bite your most sensitive spots just for kicks – but in the horror movie it signals doom. I dare you to find me a horror movie which features camping and in which at least 1/2 the campers don’t die or suffer in horrible ways.
10….Scientists are always a disaster waiting to happen, doubly true if they ever use phrases like “it’s for the good of mankind” or “nothing can go wrong” or “trust me”. Every damn time they make an appearance then some poor schmuck winds up dying. They may manage to fix things in the end, but they usually caused it in the first place. You just can’t trust the white coated warriors, they are a frigging menace with all their genetic tinkering and pseudo scientific hokum.
And there you go. It doesn’t cover every eventuality in the world of horror movies – heck, you’d need a whole book to do that – but, if you ever find yourself in a horror movie then at least these 10 tips will help to keep you alive and prepare you for some of the most common scenarios and characters you might encounter.
Oh, and there is an extra rule that you all should be made aware of – if you trust a hack journalist writing for a horror movie website with your survival, the website in question accepts no responsibility for any injuries you may incur or bloody endings you meet. In other words, try and stay alive at yer own risk buddy, you’re on your own.