Well…..bend me over, yank down my pants, and let a large rampant elk bugger me. It’d likely be much more pleasant than ever being forced to watch this slice of Z-Movie “sci-fi” (I use the term guardedly, shit-fi is more appropriate) crapfest again.
Bunch of shitty kids head up into a snowy, remote cabin and run into hungry aliens. The one good thing I can say for the film is that the kids do fuck a lot, there’s a bit of girl on girl going on, and probably opportunity enough for the viewer to crack one off the wrist and derive at least a little pleasure from watching this.
The aliens – when they’re not done in some horrid CGI type effort – look like 1/2 a frigging football with some cardboard teeth stuck on them. They’re occasionally dangled in front of the camera on a piece of fuckin’ string, or shown emerging from a door with some cackhanded stagehand holding them by the arse and just out of view!
Seriously, you’ll have a fight on your hands to find special effects this bad anywhere else. You’d get a better onscreen result if you armed a meths drinking hobo with a bottle of hooch and a bottle of ketchup, told him to get wasted and squirt away.
As for the characters, what can I say – they fuck a lot. When they’re not fucking, they’re busy fucking up their lines and proving that they can’t act worth shit. Same as the plot, I’m not really sure if there is one. One character does come across a pistol that seems to have unlimited ammunition though, and another cleverly decides to ‘get a closer look at the dead alien’. Wow, we all know that will work out well.
It’s shot really funkily too, showing off cheap CGI that was probably knocked out on a ZX Spectrum some crew member had lurking in the attic, and boasting odd color tints and outlines in some scenes. Perhaps they stole small chunks of unused film from some cutting room floor, spliced them together, and decided they had just enough celluloid to shoot a movie.
Really and truly, this is complete and utter crap. It’s only redeemed a little – and I mean a little – by the fairly high amount of sex scenes. Head on down to your local homeless shelter, promise the bewhiskered bums there a few bottles of meths if they come make a movie with you, and you’ll make better yourself.
Utter shite, if you must view then make sure you are wasted to truly appreciate the fiendish genius that must have been involved in making something so irredeemably crap. And enjoy the sound of a pig getting raped every time the aliens are about!
Director : Paul Gagne
Writer : Paul Gagne
Actors : Mary Dignan, Jackie Freed, Paul Gagne, Mark Irvingson
Release Year : 2007